Sunday, August 13, 2006


TO: You spamming bastards


Dear Weasels:

In an effort to help you target your “marketing” to those who might be interested, please pay attention to the following short message. Delete my Yahoo account from the following offers. [*Hey Yahoo – message to you: Why have you not figured out that I don’t need any of this crap? I submit through your special spam button. I hate you too.]

My name is not Tim. I’m not a black single, a Christian single or someone looking for love. I don’t need anything from Abercrombie & Fitch, The Cheesecake Factory or The Gap. I’m not lonely, I don’t want any ringtones. I require no medication that you offer including Hoodia, Cialis, Ephedra, Viagra or any of the other myriad of products you are pushing.
I don’t need a Christian mortgage, or a soulmate and I’ll keep the debt I have – thank you very much. I have no desire to lose 12 pounds by Friday. I don’t need an auto loan. It’s just a guess, but picking a psychic advisor through email spam? – I think not.

Plenty of people Get My Opinion all day long, I don’t need spam from the Internets to opine. I don’t want to be a secret shopper, I don’t care who wins the war between Friendster and MySpace. I’m not a serviceman, so I don’t need serviceman’s benefits (and frankly, you dirtbags, I don’t think they require them from the likes of you.)

Message To Love Finder: I’m not single, not lonely and I don’t need any match you could possibly have for me. I don’t need a luxury backyard makeover. Singles Matchup, FYI, I know my perfect mate is waiting for me – he’s upstairs brushing his teeth while I rant.

My most favorite/most hated email headline this week:

Vivian Bates

This is most modern and safe way not to cover with shame

Stop spamming me you spamming scumbags. My fondest wish is that your trip to hell features a continuous voiceover by Ron Popeil with a continuous loop from the Most Relaxing Classical Album In The World…Ever. And no, since you asked - I do not like George Bush.

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